TALES OF A LADY’S HAT AND ANOTHER LADY’S HANDWRITING

A RECENT BIT OF SATIRE FROM ANDY BOROWITZ REMINDS ME OF A JOKE from more than five decades ago.

Background. This brouhaha erupted several days ago when Neil Vigdor reported, “Grass on the National Mall Is Vandalized With ‘87 47’ Stains,” The New York Times, June 11, 2026. 

Image by Nathan Howard/Reuters via The New York Times.

Vigdor commented, “It was not immediately clear what caused the stains. However, someone apparently had gone to considerable lengths to discolor the grass days before President Trump is set to host an Ultimate Fighting Championship event nearby at the White House on Sunday, his 80th birthday.”

Pause for a Brief Musing. Come to think on it, I am more offended by the cage fighting supposedly celebrating our country’s 250th birthday. Or Trump’s 80th.

A Lady’s Hat. And so, bless ’em, Andy Borowitz seems to agree with me. Andy noted in his Facebook posting, June 12, 2026: “WASHINGTON—Law enforcement probing the mysterious markings of the numbers 8647 on the National Mall said on Friday that they had found a distinctive hat at the scene of the crime that could help them identify the perpetrator.”

Image from Andy’s Facebook posting. 

Andy continued, “The hat, a wide-brimmed navy-blue boater with an ivory band, was reminiscent of the headgear worn by The Hamburglar, who shot to fame in McDonald’s commercials in the 1970’s, investigators said. ‘It appears to be some kind of spy hat,’ the lead detective, Harland Dorrinson, said. ‘That supports the theory that this was the work of a foreigner.’ The detective said that the police were considering the act of vandalism ‘a serious threat,’ adding, ‘Whoever did this clearly hates Donald Trump.’ ”

Ha.

Another Lady’s Handwriting. Mother Jones confirms my memory with a bit of political satire shared by a reader: “One winter morning, Richard Nixon looked out on the White House lawn and saw ‘Impeach Nixon’ written in yellow across the snow. He quickly summoned a CIA chief and ordered the incident be investigated.”

“Later,” the tale continues, “the CIA agent returned to the Oval Office. ‘You’re not going to like this, sir, but the substance in which the message was written analyzed as Kissinger’s urine.’ ”

“ ‘I suspected as much,’ growled Nixon. ‘Is that all?’ ”

“Actually, sir, there’s one more thing, and you’re really not going to like this.”

“Well, what? Out with it…”

“Sir…it’s in Pat’s handwriting.” 

An oldie, but a goodie. ds

© Dennis Simanaitis, SimanaitisSays, 2026