MUSICIAN JOKES

MORE THAN ANY OTHER PROFESSION, it seems musicians enjoy making fun of each other.  Awhile back, I collected several examples in “Words on Music.” Two favorites from back then: “Why is it so ominous when the drums stop? Because it’s time for the bass solo.” And “If two trombonists are in a car, who’s driving? The cop.” 

Here are more of the genre, recently gleaned from Classic fm, San Francisco Classical Voice, and Talk Classical. I’ve enjoyed them all; there’s some repetition of sources, and I’ve assembled them with a bit of orchestration. 

Composers. Why didn’t Handel go shopping? Because he was Baroque. 

What’s musical and handy in a supermarket. A Chopin Liszt.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Knock knock. Who’s there? Knock knock. Who’s there?  Knock knock. Who’s there?  Knock knock. Who’s there? Knock knock. Who’s there? Philip Glass. 

Musical Terminology. What’s the definition of perfect pitch? When you toss a banjo in the bin and it hits an accordion.

How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Pianos, Falling. There are pianos falling into mines or military bases, with “A flat ____” getting the laugh. 

Violas. Why are viola jokes so short? So violists can understand them. 

What’s the best recording of William Walton’s Viola Concerto? The Music Minus One album.

A rare one I wouldn’t tell to Grandma: What’s the difference between a violist and a seamstress? A seamstress tucks up frills.

Woodwinds. What do clarinetists use for birth control? Their personalities.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe. A bassoon burns longer. 

What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.

Percussion. This amplifies on the quickie “What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? The drummer.” 

Singers. How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in. 

What’s the difference between a Wagnerian Soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? About ten pounds.

Musicians in Toto. What do you do when a musician knocks on your door? You give him the money and take the pizza.

And a variant: What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Conductors. What’s the difference between a conductor and God? God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

A specific variant: Herbert von Karajan and his wife enter a room. Wife: “God, it’s cold in here!” Karajan: “Darling, you can call me ‘Herbert’ when we’re alone.”

And, in conclusion, several musician/conductor jokes: “Bad news,” the sheriff reports to the musician. “While you were gone, the conductor came to your house, burned it down, and killed your family.” Musician: “The maestro came to my house?!”

A violist and a conductor are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure. 

And: A musician calls the orchestra office and asks for the conductor. The receptionist says, “I’m sorry, sir, the conductor died last night.” So he calls back and asks again. She repeats the message and says, “I just told you that. Why are you calling again?” “I simply like to hear you say it.”

All in good musical fun. Thanks, Classic fm, San Francisco Classical Voice, and Talk Classical. ds 

© Dennis Simanaitis, SimanaitisSays.com, 2024