NO MORE INNIES NOR OUTIES??

SIMANAITISSAYS PRIDES ITSELF ON BEING CULTURALLY HEP. Note its recent analyses of “Kit Marlowe—an Elizabethan John le Carré,” “ ‘Poi Tristano,’ Jotted Puccini,” and “Liar, Liar, Middle East on Fire.”

Hepness Enchanced—Navel Gazing. With hepness—or is it “heppity”?—in mind, SimanaitisSays is happy to share the NPR “All Things Considered” report by Jacki Lyden on “Navel Gazing.” To wit: “More and more young people, mostly young women, are having their belly-buttons removed. Jacki speaks to 17-year-old Brittany, who’s had the procedure done, and says it’s more natural than having her bellybutton pierced. She also speaks to plastic surgeon Lucia Stern, who feels the procedure puts the girls at unnecessary risk, and she speaks to Trey Morgan, who performs the procedures at the ‘Navel Academy’ a clinic located in a mall in Santa Monica California.”

What follows are tidbits gleaned from “Navel Gazing,” quite the entertaining pastime, come to think on it.

Belly Up To The Mall. NPR’s Jacki Lyden reports, “Some kids, mostly young women, according to the mag Teen Buzz, are getting their navels removed. The fad started, as so many seem to, in Southern California, but it’s been reported in big cities throughout the west and east coasts, and we decided to go belly up to the mall and check it out.” 

Ha. How typically unhep of noncoastal communities.

Chatting with Brittany. Somehow I might have predicted the teen’s name was “Brittany.”

“Brittany, may I have your age.” “Um, I’m 17.” 

I’m surprised she didn’t say, “Like, I’m 17, y’know.”

“What was wrong with your belly button before?” 

“Well, there was nothing really wrong with it. But I was going to get it pierced, and then I didn’t want to put anything like a piece of metal through it. So I decided, well, this way it would still be kind of cool, but I wouldn’t have to put like a foreign object in it. And I hear that, like, the aborigines in South America have it done, so it’s totally natural, and it’s really safe. I got my ears done at a mall, so I don’t see why I shouldn’t get my belly button removed at a mall.”

One wonders if noncoastal malls are as hep.

Image from NPR.

A Blank Canvas. Jacki observes, “Now you’re wearing one of those little midriff tops that seem to be all the fashion for girls your age, and I must say I can see where your bellybutton used to be, and… a bit strange… I mean, it’s very, well… it’s smooth is what it is.”

“Yeah,” Brittany says, “I really like it. You can tell it’s really smooth, and this way if I want to get a tattoo… I guess they say, it’s a blank canvas.” 

Brittany’s Mom’s View. “… my mom was really upset at first,” Brittany recalls. “I guess, you know the whole baby in the womb, and that was my connection to her, and now the connection is gone. But now, actually she’s really gotten over it, and we go shopping, and she bought me this top so it shows off my belly button, or actually more where my bellybutton used to be.” 

An evidently hep mom. 

A Cosmetic Surgeon’s View. Jacki recounts, “We called Dr. Lucia Stern, a cosmetic surgeon, to find out more about what is officially called a navelectomy. Dr. Stern tells her, ‘They may think that they want this procedure now, but they would be better off to save their money now because later on they might need some procedure. Something useful like liposuction.’ ”

A Body Artist’s View. Jacki relates, “Trey Morgan is what’s known as a body artist. He’s not a doctor. But he performs navelectomies in his clinic, the Navel Academy, located, of course, in a mini mall in Santa Monica. He says the procedures are safe, although he wasn’t very clear on the details.”

Trey told Jacki, “Well, you know, I’ve done, like, maybe 20 of them. And I’ve had very few problems. People just don’t have problems at all. I mean, maybe 5 or 6 have had infections, and, you know, maybe one of them went to the hospital. But, you know, overall it’s a pretty safe procedure.”

An Inquisitive Reporter: “Excuse me, Trey, you said 5 girls out of 20. Math may not be my forte, but 5 out of 20 means that a quarter of these girls had problems.” 

“Yeah,” says Trey, “but, like, 75 percent haven’t had any problems. And I don’t think your math is right anyway. It’s more like 2 percent.”

“His math skills,” Jacki relates, “led us to inquire why he felt he was qualified to do what amounts to minor surgery, but at that point Mr. Morgan asked us to leave and refused to answer any more questions.”

SimanaitisSays is happy to share this troubling cultural scheme reported by Jacki Lyden in “Navel Gazing,” NPR, April 1, 2000.

And, by the way, Happy April Fools Day 2026, albeit a few days late. ds

© Dennis Simanaitis, SimanaitisSays, 2026