MY NEW FAV AT THE ATLANTIC

“IT TURNS OUT,” ALEXANDRA PETRI WRITES IN THE ATLANTIC (with tongue firmly in cheek), “someone in the Trump administration automatically texts you a free scoop as sort of a welcome gesture.”

“This worked out great,” she says, “because I have been wondering why ICE is allowed to put people in vans without displaying a badge or identification, when what should I receive but the actual ICE dress code?”

Before sharing tidbits gleaned from Petri’s scoop, let me introduce her: This new staff writer at The Atlantic used to write a humor column for the Washington Post (apparently prior to its losing its sense, of humor and otherwise). She also won the 2025 Thurber Prize for American Humor for her book AP’s US History: Important American Documents (I Made Up). See also “My Super-Special 79th Was Not Super Special” in The Atlantic. (From its diary: “This was like the kind of tank parade your mom makes you lovingly from scratch, and I wanted the kind of tank parade that is made in China or North Korea.”)

AP’s US History: Important American Documents (I Made Up), by Alexandra Petri, W.W. Norton & Company, 2024.

Much to my delight, Petri employs ridicule as a tool of humor. The quoted passages following are hers; unquoted stuff is mine.

“ICE Agent or Just Some Person? As a member of ICE, you may be wondering: How are the people we thrust into our vans supposed to know that we are, in fact, acting under color of law and not just kidnapping them? Can I really do this job while wearing either an Army uniform that I have assembled myself in a confusing, over-the-top way or the same T-shirt I just wore to my failed custody hearing?”

Uniforms? “No. Uniforms show that you are part of something and that there is someone to call if anyone interacting with you has a complaint. A uniform indicates that you are not a rogue criminal seizing someone’s mom and hurling her into an unmarked van without reading her her rights: You’re an officer of the law doing that.”

“If you’re wearing a uniform, people will be disappointed when you fail to show them an arrest warrant before entering their place of work. If you’re not wearing a uniform of any kind, they won’t know whether to be disappointed until it’s too late!”

Face Masks?  “A Face Mask can say so many things. ‘I’m trying to do my part to protect those around me,’ or  the exact opposite. A balaclava can say, ‘I’m skiing!’ or, ‘I’m about to commit a jewelry heist,’ depending on how you accessorize it.”

“The point is, we want you to feel free to express yourself! ICE believes in freedom of expression, except for graduate students who want to lead protests or write op-eds…. Wear something that, if you showed up at a costume party in this outfit, would make people say, ‘A soldier, but wrong somehow, like he’s in a video game,’ or, ‘Did I see you at Charlottesville?’ “

An Arrest Warrant? “If the person you are shoving into a van has any inkling that you are an officer of the law, you are doing it wrong. You should look like someone who is going to Home Depot because you forgot something (what you forgot was an arrest warrant for your next stop).”

Ask Coco. “As Coco Chanel said, whenever you assemble an outfit, before you leave the house, look in the mirror, and take one thing off! Specifically, your badge identifying you as an officer of the law. Coco collaborated with the Nazis.”

Image from The Atlantic.

I look forward to reading more Alexandra Petri. Thanks, Atlantic, for the introduction. ds 

© Dennis Simanaitis, SimanaitisSays.com, 2025