QUITE AN EVENTFUL YEAR—1994

“WHAT WITH FIRESTORMS, EARTHQUAKES, MUD SLIDES and, as I begin this report, torrential rains, flooding, even a tornado, Southern California had hardly been a boring place of late.” So wrote R&T—actually I wrote this one—in May 1994. 

This and other images from R&T, May 1994. Thickness of the volume precludes flat scanning; sorry. 

Yes, it was only early 1994 and already quite a year, I noted: “But I’ve just driven our BMW 850CSi test car to the office through this latest cruel onslaught of Mother Nature (and hasn’t she been a cruel mother). Not only did I arrive just fine, thanks, but I had a super-neat driving experience as well, with one recurring thought. This is what it must feel like to drive a Formula 1 car of the 1993 vintage.”

F1 cars of that era were particularly festooned with electronic gadgetry.

I continued, “You may think I’ve been out overly long in the weather (Southern Californians reserve this word ‘weather’ only for the anomalies), but let me amplify.”

Northridge’s 6.7 and Us. The 6.7 Northridge Earthquake hit on 4:31 a.m. Pacific, January 17, 1994. Wife Dottie’s niece Christie lived up that way and had quite a tale to tell. 

After it settled down, she found her abode in general disorder, her fridge on its side—and a favorite potted plant gone missing. During the quake, the dishwasher door had flipped open, the plant pitched from a shelf into the appliance, and its door snapped shut. 

Christie discovered this only when preparing to move southeast across the vast Los Angeles sprawl to stay with us temporarily in Santa Ana. But drama in her life wasn’t over. 

Christie worked an early shift for the phone company in central Los Angeles. One morning during her Santa Ana residence, she awoke us at some unGodly hour: “Cappy won’t let me out the door,” she said. 

Actually she misinterpreted the cat’s demand to open that GD door and let him out for a stroll.

Back to the 850CSi. I observed, “Like its 850i predecessor—and the 1993 F1 car—this BMW coupe exhibits gobs of performance in just about every dynamic area. Driven in decent conditions—as for our track testing and photography, for instance—its acceleration, braking and handling are superlative. Driven in horrid conditions, its powerplant, brakes and suspension are equally superlative—but now you realize the important role played by the car’s electronic gadgetry.”

“Before we continue, though,” I recounted, “let’s put the BMW 8-Series lineup in perspective. At $108,450 (gulp; and to think I was drifting it in the rain), the CSi is the company flagship, its V-12 powerplant bored and stroked by BMW M GmbH, the renamed BMW Motorsport. 

A Conservative 850CSi. I noted, “Apart from cylinder count, the CSi’s powerplant is a conservative one, a single overhead camshaft per bank actuating a bare minimum of two valves per cylinder. In fact, several of our staff members thought the powerplant performed too conservatively as well.”

I continued with this staff carping (evidently not shared by the author): “There’s plenty of power, mind, but it’s satiny-smooth. And, except for the wonderful Spitfire whine of the starter, the powerplant’s mechanical sounds are subtle, or to put it rather less kindly, they’re without character.”

K for Comfort. “Sixty mph arrives as quickly as 5.9 seconds (versus 7.3 for the Ci). And owing to the car’s Variable Throttle Linkage, it comes up in a suitably complex manner: There’s a console switch marked S for Sport and K for Comfort. (And, contrary to Mark Twain’s view, I believe foreigners actually pronounce better than they spell). Anyway, Sport invokes a more aggressive actuation of throttle hardware; Comfort, a smoother, softer control.”

“A gimmick?” I asked. “I’d certainly keep it on Komfort when weather arrives, all the better to feather into that torque.”

My F1 Fantasy: “Or, returning to my F1 fantasy, occasionally I tried just planting my foot to the floor and letting the All Season Traction electronics do its stuff. (Don’t try this at home, kids; remember, I’m a professional).”

“In fact,” I reported, “ASC+T, as it’s also known, modulates power through spark timing and throttle and, if needed, applies one or the other rear brake until a negligible degree of slip is achieved. It’s fun in the wet, and I would guess uncanny on ice or snow.” 

“And, no,” I wrote, “we haven’t had sleet in Newport Beach just yet.” 

In retrospect, I cannot say this was written with longing or not.

More Electronic Wizardry: “The CSi’s redline is variously 6400 rpm (in 1st and 2nd gear), 6200 (for 3rd), 6100 (4th), 6000 (5th) and 5150 (6th); this last one, by our own calculation, has the car’s top speed electronically limited to a Deutsche politischkorrekt 155 mph. And isn’t that the kind of PC thinking you could buy into?”

Even amid earthquakes, hidden potted plants, arrogant felines, mudslides, flooding, and torrential rain. ds 

© Dennis Simanaitis, SimanaitisSays.com, 2024