Simanaitis Says
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HISTORICAL (HYSTERICAL) PUNS
THE WORD GENIUS WEBSITE RECENTLY OFFERED “Historical Puns That Can Still Make You Laugh.” I works for years with R&T Editor John Dinkel, punster extraordinaire, so my standards are high.
And indeed several of the Word Genius puns encouraged more than a giggle. Here they are, more or less chronologically, together with other puns I’ve found online, and yet others I’ve known for years.
Next to the Colleseum. “A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and orders five beers.”
This is along the lines of my Muir/Norden favorite: “Roman soldiers, count off from the left!” “I, II, III, IV, V.”
Advance the Calendar. And remember that “Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.”
738 A.D. “Q: Why were the early days of history called ‘The Dark Ages’? A: Because there were so many knights!”
1620 A.D. “Q: If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims.”
Not 1776, But 1776: “In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.”
Word Genius notes, “Often misattributed to President John Adams, this humorous quote actually comes from the Broadway musical, 1776, by Peter Stone. In it, the future President throws out the line in Act 1, amid a sea of complaints about Congress.”
1724–1804. “Immanuel isn’t a pun. He Kant be.”—Oscar Wilde, 1854–1900.
Word Genius recounts, “Playwright and poet Oscar Wilde was known for his wry wit and creative puns. He once joked about the famous philosopher and Enlightenment thinker, Immanuel Kant. In Wilde’s joke, Kant’s name does double duty to jab at how seriously philosophers take their work.”
Mid-1800s. “We Polked You in ’44. We shall Pierce You in ’52.”
Word Genius describes, “When Democratic Presidential candidate Franklin Pierce ran for office in 1852, he took inspiration from his predecessor, James K. Polk. The cheesy slogan might induce an eye roll, but it seemed to work, as Pierce was the next Democratic candidate to enter the White House.”
My 2024 Hope: “Biden Will Trump That Other Guy.”
Especially for Auto Enthusiasts. January Nelson offers “40 Car Puns That Will Fuel Your Laughter,” Thought Catalog, January 16, 2024. They’re all keepers; here are my favorites.
“When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.”
“What kind of car does Yoda drive? A Toyoda.”
This one reflects the fact that the family name actually is Toyoda.
“What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.”
“What part of the car is the laziest? The wheels, because they’re always tired.”
“What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.” (This might have been the first joke my grandfather ever taught me. His favorite, though, wasn’t a pun: “Where’s a woman’s ‘now’? You know that old song, ‘I Wonder Who’s Kissing Her Now.’ ”)
Thanks, January Nelson, for the good giggles. You and J.D. would enjoy each other’s humor. ds
© Dennis Simanaitis, SimanaitisSays.com, 2024
Simanaitis Says 
Your hope is mine too The other guy belongs in a zoo
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Climbing off the floor, I remembered this one, apropos to a summer job I had in college: “Time flies like the wind. Deer flies like surveyors.”
Another one came to me this evening while reviewing some TV offerings: how do you describe having your castle cleaned by ghosts? Wightly done.
Sorry … couldn’t resist.
Now we’re talking.
Although not puns, they reminded me of a couple of nonsense saying from my college days.
“Thirty days hath September, April,June,and November. All the rest have thirty-one except Pasadena. It has the Rose Bowl”
and, “Why is a duck? One leg,both the same “.